


Yours truly

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship, I will try and make it bittersweet, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-02-05 03:42:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12786195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: ''Listen now and listen well. I think that I am ready to say it all, to really tell you everything. I am a little tipsy but it can only make it better. I am ready to tell you everything. I do not know how much it will kill me to do so but I feel myself healing simultaneously. How can it be so? Even in my misery, a part of you will always be able to heal me.So I am ready. I am no longer denying what cannot be denied. Do trust me when I tell you this: all my life, I have been lacking something and I think that recalling this will make me whole at last.''In the winter of 1985, Sirius writes letters to a long lost friend, recalling their years of friendship.





	1. Chapter 1

December 12, 1985

_'' Do you remember us? Did you forget the many days we spent together a long time ago, a time where life was simpler and much better? Honest to God, I cannot forget. Even when the day is bright and I am surrounded by people I love, I cannot forget. Even when they laugh with me and keep my world moving, I cannot forget. When those moment come, I feel conflicted; like I am too persons at the same time. I know you know what I mean, how it feels like to always worry about yourself while trying to be happy. You ought to know, Remus, how it feels like to be both smiling and laughing while inside you cannot stop wondering about the choices you have made. This feeling I have, days and nights, creeping inside me, making me nauseous when I should not be; it is killing me. It feels like I am rotting or…or… maybe I am saying it all wrong? I have never been so good with expressing myself beautifully. Do you remember that much about me? You used to make fun of me but not cruelly, oh no, it was real fun. With you, how could it not have been? At first at least! Still, I think it is the right word to describe it. A rotting sensation.  I have read about it—oh did I read about it. You should see me now, reading and thinking. You would laugh at me, I think. As I do every day! But your laugh would make everything better and I know it would erase this bitter sensation I cannot control._

_I think I said it was rooting, but I got it wrong. I know now, writing to you, I cannot do otherwise than to know this sickening sensation all too well, to know its name, to know its oppressive effects on my miserable person. It is coming back, this…This! This aftertaste of something that you love in your mouth, this coldness that felt exquisitely warm not so long ago, this…this memory of a day were we were better—I was so much better before all of this!—all of this…It is not a rotting sensation. No, oh no… It is regret: a deep regret that runs inside me as I try to wash all my memories away. I said rotting but I really meant to say regret! But you knew it, didn’t you? That it was what I meant all along. You ought to have known even before I knew it myself. You were always better at knowing me, much better than I would ever be able to. What am I saying? I cannot keep a clear thought in this crumbling mind of mine when it comes to you. I said rotting but I meant regret and you knew it all so well...because… because they both feel the same, don’t they? Don’t they? Do you feel it too?_

_—_

_I would like to say one thing first, before I try and ask you my finale question. I would like to say that I need to lay this all down, even though you know this as well as I do, even though you probably know it all so much better than I do. Even so, do me the favor to read it all and try to humour me. I really need to know that you will read it all from this moment on. I know too little about myself that I cannot predict how disastrous this will be for you to read; you were always the poetic one. But promise me that wherever you are, you are reading this and I can promise you, if I cannot promise you to be ordered and structured and graceful, I promise you, my love, that I will be loyal to my emotions, that I will write it as I felt it and it will be  authentic and truthful. So you just need to read it all and I promise you that everything that I was afraid to say back then will be said in the end._

_—_

_When I think of you, I think of honey and lights and warmth and summer. I think of this melody that we all used to sing together. I see trees and I hear laughter and most importantly, I feel this yearning. But this does not matter at the present moment. It really should not be about that. Yet, I cannot think about the start of it all. All I see is your smile. How did it all start? Oh, I am atrocious at telling stories! Atrocious! How can I write with such futile words the emotions I am feeling inside? So profound, so disordered, so…so…I need a drink._

_—_

_Listen now and listen well. I think that I am ready to say it all, to really tell you everything. I am a little tipsy but it can only make it better. I am ready to tell you everything. I do not know how much it will kill me to do so but I feel myself healing simultaneously. How can it be so? Even in my misery, a part of you will always be able to heal me._

_So I am ready. I am no longer denying what cannot be denied. Do trust me when I tell you this: all my life, I have been lacking something and I think that recalling this will make me whole at last._

_And of course, it will be thanks to you, my love._

_Yours truly, Sirius B. ''_


	2. There is nothing wrong with Remus

December 12, 1985

_‘’ To pinpoint a moment in time and to say that this was when it all started is rather impossible if not absurd for me. In fact, it is not about what started it all or when it occurred but rather it is about the first memory I can vividly remember from that time and, weirdly enough, my love,  it has nothing to do with you at all.’’_

*

 August 22, 1937

 

He was a sixteen year-old teen during the year of 1937. At a first glance, he was rather attractive and something like an aristocratic aura emanated from his looks. It was something he knew and everybody knew too. The Black family of Britain was rich and good-looking. He never thought much of it, but he was aware of it nonetheless. He was tall and had an athletic built. He wore his black hair long and curly and a bit messy too, which he knew killed his parents inside. He had an attractive face, with dark black eyes and a thin nose on his rather pale face. Really, Sirius was in the prime of his youth, or so he had thought.

That particular august, he was about to start another year of suffering and sorrow at his desolated boarding school when something drastic was to happen. Every year, the sheer image of this tall crumbling brown building, surrounded by a vast green landscape and nothing remotely _fun_ in the horizon, was enough to make him grimace. And every year, the memory of his friends smiling and plotting some mischief was also enough to spark, in his mind, a momentary sensation akin to joy. The year of 1937 was to be no different.

Dressed in his pretentious black suit that he despised _so_ much, Sirius was making his way through the main hallway, his suitcases nowhere to be seen as they had been taken care of by a servant or two, probably three if he were to be honest. His family was rich after all; _could he possibly think of carrying his luggage by himself_?  A wicked smile appeared on his face as he pictured his father’s disgust at the thought of it. Oh, if _that_ disgusted him, he would probably die at the thought of what Sirius did with his friends during the school year. Nothing too dramatic, of course, but, knowing his parents, it would probably kill them on the spot. One would think that, after all these years, Sirius would know better than to start a conversation with his father about… anything really, but, apparently, he still liked a good confrontation here and there with his old man. It always reminded him of how powerless he truly was and, as masochistic as it sounded to James and Peter, he liked to remind himself of his weakness as it kept him humble.

And so, he remembered it all: his walk through the grand building towards _this_ place where he knew he would find _them_ , the melody he was whistling, melody that his brother had been playing on and on on their piano back home during their summer vacations, the small red door in the kitchen that would lead him to the garden and after the garden, the flowers, the fruits and the vegetables and after them, the trees and the river and the far conversations and the far laughter that would both become louder and louder as he approached the little hill and  after the hill, finally, _them._  

Peter and James were seated, talking loudly about a book they had read during the summer when Sirius arrived next to them. After a quick glance his way, his friends stopped talking altogether and looked at him warily.

‘This is how you lads greet me?’

Immediately, he was hugged by a tall and brown teen with round glasses and a small dark teen who was himself quite round and joyful. Sirius hugged them tightly. _Ah_! He had missed them both immensely.

‘So,’ James said, arranging his glasses on his nose as the three of them sat down together on the warm grass.

Sirius frowned at his friend. ‘What is it Jamey, spill it out!’

His friends exchanged another look, as if urging one another to tell him the news but Peter, being the coward he so openly was, was determined to stay silent.

‘Alright,’ James started finally. ‘I will just say it then.’

‘The suspense is killing me,’ Sirius dully said.

‘Ah, just shut up, will you?’ James looked at Peter one last time, but they all knew that the boy was not going to pronounce a single world: his cowardice knew no limits. ‘It has come to my knowledge,’ James pronounced slowly, ‘that we are not going to share the same room this year.’

Just like that, Sirius felt paralysed and somewhat shocked out of his body. It was truly surprising how useless one’s body could become in a state of total surprise. But after a minute of delay, he was finally able to think again.  

‘Pardon?’ he asked, one dark eyebrow raised on his extremely pale face. ‘You are quite the jokester this year, aren’t you Jamey?’

‘I’m not joking, Sirius.’

‘He’s not joking,’ Peter repeated, feeling like he could say that much after the weight of sharing the news had been lifted by his other friend.

Sirius’ dark eyes slowly closed, his lips pressed in a thin line and his fist clenched in repulsion. This was the work of his parents, that much he was certain of. He had been brave and perhaps naïve during the summer, thinking he could take every opportunity he had seen fit to create some sort of debate with his father. His brother Regulus had warned him to stay quiet and to shut up but Sirius had told him a fair amount of time to _piss off_. Perhaps his younger brother had been right. Rather it was about politics or music, Sirius had found a weird sense of joy in defying his father on every topic that existed. At some point, in one of his arguments, he had made the mistake of sourcing his opinion directly to James and, at that moment, he had seen in his father’s eyes something like the beginning of an idea. He had pushed this intuition away but there it was: the result of it all.

‘This is bollocks,’ he finally said, venom on his tongue. ‘This _man_ , this scoundrel….he thinks he can control me by dividing us?’

Peter shook his head slowly. ‘What did you do Sirius?’

Sirius snapped at his friend. ‘Now you talk? When it’s time to put the blame on me your tongue becomes untangled, you rat!’

‘Oh, shut it,’ James rolled his eyes. ‘What did you do this time? Why can’t you just shut up and stay quiet? Why do you always have to fight with your parents?’

Sirius quickly got up and started to pace around them in circle.

‘Do you both realize the impact that this will have on our year? Do you not see the _disaster_ that this news is? No more nights talking about our next moves! No more nights reading those filthy books from Peter’s dad bookshelf, no more hours of Jamey talking about his unrequited and boring love. No more bloody fun! This _is_ a disaster!’

By the end of his tirade, Sirius had laid down on the grass, afraid that the gravity of the situation would make him pass out. The sun was hitting his skin hard and he was painting loudly.

‘I think you are exaggerating quite a bit,’ Peter started but stopped talking as he noticed the murderous look both his friends were giving him.

‘Doesn’t speak a lot this bloke but could still learn a thing or two about shutting up, don’t you think Jamey?’

James gave him a stoic look. ‘Everything you said is true,’ he finally said. ‘Our year _will_ be affected by this news. That’s why we have to convince the administration to move you to our room again.’

Peter groaned impatiently. ‘Won’t work.’

‘Shut it!’ Sirius punched his friend on his shoulder two times and sat back again next to James, ignoring Peter’s ugly screams. ‘How will we do that, you reckon?’

‘How should I bloody know?’

It was Sirius’ turn to sigh morosely.  Never had he thought in a million years that his father’s hatred against his person could go this far. So far as to deprive his own son of the only thing that kept him alive: his friends. Maybe he _had_ had a big mouth over the summer. Maybe he _could_ have kept quiet. Maybe Regulus had been right. But how could he had stayed silent when every fibre of his being had screamed at him to put his father in his place? He probably was the one who could learn a thing or two from Peter, as disgusting as it sounded.

‘I’m thinking of something,’ James stated slowly, his gaze up in the sky.

‘Go on,’ Sirius encouraged.

James stayed silent a minute or two and when his plan had apparently been good enough for him, when he had refined it enough and when he was sure of it, he started talking again. ‘Why won’t you apologize to him?’

Sirius looked at him with a blank expression on his face. ‘Apologize to whom?’

‘Your dad, you dog! Your dad!’

He was sick to his stomach. The last thing he would do was just that. It was such a sordid idea to him, to pronounce any kind of words that held this signification. It was so absurd and inconsiderable that he did not even think about it once.

‘You are mad, Jamey. You are bloody mad.’

‘I think it’s brilliant,’ Peter said sincerely. He too had not thought of this possibility either.

James moved closer to his friend and put an arm around his shoulder. He had this look on his face, the one he rarely took but when he did, it meant he was serious and honest, it meant he was truly speaking as a friend who cared for his friend and wanted the best for them.

‘This is really the only way, Sirius.’ He whispered. ‘I know it probably makes you sick to apologize to your father, but he is more powerful than you are. Understand it, accept it, and act in consequences.’

Sirius pushed him away, a dark frown on his face. ‘Accept it my ass! Both of you shut up, stop taking the piss out of this shit situation. I will make this clear to you both; I will _never_ apologize to this man. _Never_. You may think this is a caprice, but this is the only thing I have left. This is the only way I can fight back to his attacks against me. So I won’t hear any more of this rubbish talk. If no one has any other ideas, I would rather we talk about something else.’

They were all quiet after that and a bit morose too. James tried to initiate a conversation about Lily, the redheaded girl he longed for and loved, but Sirius gave him one of his murderous glare, proving that despise his words, he would rather them not talking at all.

At this point, they had been sitting for a while. Although classes were to start in two days only, they had to make sure their things were in their room and that everything was in order. They all knew that, but neither Peter nor James were inclined to mention it to Sirius. Sirius, in the other hand, was thinking of how much he would love to get rid of his father and how much easier it would make his life.

‘So,’ James said happily after some times. ‘How did your date go, Peter?’

Sirius gave Peter a sidelong glance, unimpressed by what would come.

‘Err,’ Peter answered inaudibly, his voice cracking and his cheeks turning red.

Sirius smiled at his uneasiness. It was horrible, he knew it, but he found something like comfort in knowing that Peter’s love life was, yet again, not evolving.  

‘Did it not go well?’ James asked, visibly concerned. He was such a good friend, Sirius thought.

‘It was a mess,’ Peter admitted. ‘Quite horrible, actually.’

‘Do tell us, my friend. And in precise details as I’m sure it will be able to lift my bad mood.’ Sirius smiled.

‘You are horrible,’ James said. ‘Does this amuse you, Sirius?’

Sirius shrugged boringly.

‘It’s alright, James.’ Peter said, a weak smile on his thin lips. ‘I’m used to this. My love life has always been a joke for Sirius, as his love life has been for me.’

‘Rat!’

‘Both of you stop it!’ James said. ‘I’m tired of this. I’m leaving, taking my things to my room. _Yes_ , Sirius, I need to do it. Meanwhile, you ought to think about what I told you. Peter and I will be in our room, if you need us.’

Sirius immaturely ignored the concerned looks his friends were giving him and looked in front of him in silent.

‘I suggest that we meet each other again in two hours in the dining room. Peter?’

Peter nodded to his friend’s suggestion.

‘Sirius?’ James asked his friend and, this time, was answered with a dark smile on his lips.

‘Sure,’ Sirius simply said and because James was indeed tired and ready to go, he decided to ignore the unusual smile on Sirius’ lips and leave.

Finally alone, Sirius was ready to finalize the plan he had already constructed in his head while his friends were busy being silently sorry for him after his little breakdown. Precisely, he had two plans. The first one was to simply go to Dumbledore, the dean of the boarding school, and ask him frankly, honestly and kindly to do his good deed of the day on him, to save him from an insupportable year of sorrow and misery and to allow him to get the best of his education in a pleasurable environment. Knowing the good nature of this man, he thought that this plan had a slim chance of working.

The second one was to get to know his new flatmate in the two free days he had and dig as much dirt as he could on him. Once this was done, and surely it would not be hard at all for Sirius, he would innocently write a letter questioning his father’s motives as the boy he had to share his room with was indecent in all ways. Knowing the limited rooms in the building and knowing that his father was somewhat a person with the capacity to reason, surely the solution would be to put him back in his old room, with his two best mates.

Sirius sighed slowly and stood up graciously. He did not want to scream victory, but he believed that either the first plan or the second plan would work just fine. He felt sorry about causing a moment of distress to his friends as everything should go back in order in a couple of days or so. But first, he had to take care of another pressing matter.

*

His little brother Regulus was two years younger but extremely wise for a fourteen year-old boy. Sirius often saw in him many qualities that he saw in James as they were both loyal and determined. Unfortunately, his brother was loyal to his parents to the bone, which was why his mother was so fond of him.  Sirius never cared about the way his mother treated him. She did not matter to him. He would have liked to say the same thing for his father, but the scoundrel had an immense influence in Britain and his arm probably went farther than he could imagine.  Still, to a certain extinct, he did not care about what his father thought of him either. What he did consider important was his parents’ influence on his little brother. Unlike him, Regulus had not had the chance to find such good friends, such intelligent friends, as James and Peter. On the contrary, Regulus’ circle had always irked Sirius the wrong way. They were the spitting image of their parents and, just like well tamed parrots, they would repeat everything their parents would feed them. For this reason and because Sirius loved Regulus, despise their unstable relationship, Sirius thought it was his responsibility to check on his brother now and then. And to add to that, before they had parted from the train, Regulus had seemed quite nervous about something.

Still, Sirius was always careful about what he would say to Regulus because he knew that the boy made it his mission to write it all down to his father, like a good dog would. But then again, Sirius was not far from being a canine either, in his very own way.

 ‘Where is my brother?’ Sirius asked a blond girl with pale eyes who was seated alone at a table in the dining hall. He never did learn her name, but he knew she was close to his brother which was good enough.

The girl looked up from the table where she was reading a book and raised an eyebrow when she recognized Sirius.

‘Shouldn’t you be acting like a fool with the two wankers you call friends?’

Sirius smiled slowly. ‘Such a pretty mouth though. Do your parents know you talk so poetically?’

‘Do you care?’ the girl said monotonously.

Sirius looked around the room in search of his brother but could not find him. All he could see was students talking to each other excitedly in the immense room. It was still early in the day and the lights illuminating the room from the numerous widows were strong.

‘If you are done,’ the girl cleared her throat. ‘I would like to continue my reading.’

Sirius looked at her some more and decided he did not want to stay in her company any more than she did his.

‘If you see Regulus—’

‘Yes, yes. I won’t say a thing though.’

Sirius groaned but left. It was like Regulus’ friends made it their primary goal to make his life harder. It was amusing, in a way. It reminded him of his younger self. The only thing was that he had never been one to look up to his parents and this tendency of his brother often scared him. Accordingly, Regulus’ friends’ wittiness was something he could live without.

‘Sirius.’

When he turned around, he saw shiny red hair and rosy skin beautifully illuminated by the warm lights of the corridor leading to the dormitory entrance.  It was Lily in a _charming_ blue coat. It was one so similar to his mother’s that he could hear her say how _charming_ it was. Sirius sneered. 

‘Lily,’ he said as they both walked in the same direction. ‘Fancy meeting you here in this lovely coat.’

‘What are you on about, Black?’

Sirius shrugged as he looked around some more. ‘How was your summer?’

Lily sighed. ‘You know,’ she said pathetically. ‘I am not one to complain, nor am I one to be ungrateful, but the situation of our country has led me in quite a depressive disposition.’

‘Ah, Lily, you were always so beautiful when you talked about politics.’

Lily shoved him slightly. ‘Doesn’t it scare you a bit, Black? My sister said that there is a war coming.’

‘And your sister is an idiot,’ Sirius pointed.

‘Stop calling her that!’

Sirius sneered again but apologized nonetheless. Lily’s sister never had been able to pass the entrance exam for their school and although some students, some would say more comfortable financially, were able to pay their way through their privileged education, Lily’s modest family certainly was not able to do so. In any case, they were too morally good to do such a vile thing.

‘She may not go here, but she is quite brilliant.’

‘Well of course, Lily, if your sister thinks that there is a war coming, than surely it means that there is a war coming.’

Lily cringed but continued. ‘Do you know how revolting you can be, Black? And you are so brilliant! Why do you act like such a fool?’

‘Funny,’ Sirius said, ‘you are the second person to call me that today.’

‘And this should surprise me?’

Sirius passed an arm around her. ‘Your sister may be right, but what is the point of worrying? We cannot change anything at this present time. Should there be a war, it will be fatality that prevails, not our futile discussions about the state of our country. So enjoy yourself while you can, why don’t you?’

Lily frowned. ‘Some would call you a nihilist.’

Sirius grimaced. ‘I don’t have time for this. Why don’t you talk to James? He will compliment your eyes today, as I’m sure he does every day in his dreams.’

Lily smiled weakly. ‘You are terrible. He is your friend.’

‘And I’m trying to help him.’

‘Ah!’

Lily laughed at that. They stayed silent for a while after that, walking in a slow pace towards the students’ rooms.

‘Why are you walking towards the boy dormitory?’

Lily glanced at him quickly and looked in front of her again. ‘I have to meet with my good friend Remus to discuss important matters.’

‘What to wear at the winter ball, I presume?’

She sighed. ‘As a matter of fact, yes. Amongst other things. Besides, I heard that you will be sharing his room,’ she greened knowingly, ‘What did you do to deserve such a punishment?’

Sirius had momentary forgotten all about that and in an instant, his expression changed to a murderous one. He had to admit that he did not have the energy to hide his emotions like he normally did. Not today.

‘Seems like you got yourself quite a situation,’ said Lily. ‘What happened?’

‘Nothing too troublesome. I wouldn’t want you worrying about me.’

‘Oh, I wasn’t.’ she said. ‘I am worrying about Remus.’

She gave him a piercing look, one that excited Sirius highly. Those were the looks he always received from people when they knew he was about to do some mischiefs and those were part of the pleasure of doing them.

‘Should you worry about him?’ Sirius asked innocently.

‘I am asking you this exact question Black.’ She stopped walking and stared at him seriously. ‘This is the reason why I stopped you.’

‘Really? I did think for a moment that you had missed me,’ Sirius said.

Lily punched him slightly on the shoulder.

‘James would be jealous.'

‘Bloody hell,’ she barked. ‘I’m being serious here. This is a warning to you. Remus has been my friend for years now, he is truly pure. I don’t know how he will react to you and your evil ways but I don’t want you to corrupt him.’

Sirius laughed loudly. ‘Corruption? Me? God Lily, are you talking about a man or a wuss?’

‘Shut up! I am serious, don’t corrupt him.’

Sirius’ pale face lost his good humour as he became curious about her comportment. Slowly, he felt a burning sensation of excitement inside of him. He knew she was pleading him and asking him a favor, but the idea of corruption made him lose all coherent thoughts he had formed. One of his deepest joy, he had found out, was just that, to corrupt the pure. He thought he had done quite a good job with Peter. James had always been a bit wicked but Sirius did help reinforcing that trait. So to him, the idea of this pure boy ready to be corrupted was really exciting.

Immediately, he thought about his plan of dragging him through dirt. Remiss, or whatever the hell his name was, could not have been that good of a fella, could he? And why did he have a room to himself anyway?

‘I see you thinking and thinking but you are not saying a single world.’ Lily said, a warning tone in her voice.

‘Yes Lily, that is normally what happens when I’m creating a plan to corrupt the pure ones.’

‘Black!’

Sirius opened the wooden brown door and turned to face her. ‘Would you relax? I don’t bloody care about your friend. And surely, he must not be as pure as you think? Why did he have a room for himself anyway?’

Lily’s face fell and she slowly started to frown. ‘I don’t know,’ she blatantly lied.

Sirius didn’t say anything but he knew he was smiling this annoying smile of his.

‘Where was he that I never heard of him before?’ Sirius pressed.

Lily couldn’t help but to laugh at that. ‘Oh please, can you tell me a single name of someone outside of your group of idiotic friends? Other than Snape?’

Sirius didn’t bother answering. As he climbed the circular stairs, he had to be careful not to bump into students who were going downstairs. After avoiding a few too many boys, he was almost at the door giving access to the central salon of their dormitory, where his suitcases had to be.

‘Look,’ Lily added once they were in front of the entrance. ‘Will it kill you to promise me not to… _touch_ him?’

Sirius raised an eyebrow. ‘Touch him?’

‘With your ways…Remus doesn’t need that, not now.’

Sirius gave her a look. ‘Why?’

Lily groaned, visibly annoyed at Sirius evasiveness.

‘Just remember that there is a world outside of you and your friends. Some people have it harder than others. He is one of them, so spare him, won’t you?’

‘Ah, Lily. Lily, oh Lily. Don’t you know that taunting a dog with a bone is not a brilliant idea?’

‘But you’re not a bloody dog, are you Sirius? In fact, I know that this is all an act for you. I know that, really, you are a nice and loving bloke. You _care_ about others, Black. So please, I’m asking as a friend.’

Sirius sighed. ‘Fine. If you tell me what is wrong with him, I promise to leave him alone.’

‘There is nothing _wrong_ with Remus, for fuck’s sake!’

As she said that, a boy came out from the entrance and Lily’s cheeks turned a sweet shade of pink. Sirius turned his head towards him and had to admit that he had never seen him before. No. Thinking about it, he may have had seen him before, but he was not sure. The boy was tall, if only a little shorter than him, but only a little. He had brown hair or maybe dark ginger hair, Sirius was not sure in the darkness of the passage. In any case, he seemed stoic and completely boring.

 As he was staring at the other’s face, the boy smiled politely at Lily.

‘I would hope so,’ he said with his quiet voice.

‘Remus,’ she said awkwardly and Sirius frowned at the boy’s name. ‘Ah, how are you?’

Before he could answer, Sirius was already talking over him.

‘It is you then, the famous Remus,’ he said raising his hand to shake the other boy’s hand. ‘Sirius.’

Remus looked at him calmly and shook his hand, never breaking eye contact. _Ah_ , Sirius did not know how Lily saw such a pure boy in him. No, Sirius could already see him being far from that.

‘You are my roommate, I think,’ Remus said nicely. He then proceeded to smile kindly to Sirius and Sirius forgot all thoughts he had about the dirt he was supposed to discover on this boy.

‘Hum,’ he said slowly. ‘I think so,’ he added pathetically.

‘I am happy to meet you, Sirius,’ Remus said, his smile growing sweeter. ‘I have been living in my room alone for some times now. I am afraid it is not the best one to live in,’ he said a sadden look on his face.

‘Oh?’ Sirius couldn’t help it. He wanted to break that façade.

‘It was originally not a room to sleep in, but I got in late during our first year. Dumbledore was kind enough to ask for some adjustments.’

‘Is this really why you have been living alone, Remy?’

Remus frowned a little, ignoring the way Sirius had called him. ‘It is. Why?’ he smiled again at Sirius. ‘Are you calling me a liar?’

‘If the shoe fits,’ Sirius said calmly.

Next to him, he could hear Lily grunt loudly. She knew Sirius’ curiosity had only been piqued by all her effort and she was silently cursing herself as they spoke. It was her mistake to have thought that Sirius had some kind of morality. He had none and he prided himself in that. Well, he had no real empathy or sympathy for anyone outside of his _idiotic_ group of friends, as she had so kindly called them. He presumed he could add his brother to the list, sometimes. Beside them, he was cautious to trust anyone too quickly. 

‘But I am not lying, Sirius,’ Remus added quietly.

He spoke like a whisper, like he knew that no matter how quiet the words from his mouth sounded, Sirius would listen to his voice anyway. In some ways, that was captivating and exciting. Behind this _pure_ face, as Lily would mistakenly think, Sirius knew that there was a secret to unveil; there was a new man to discover.

‘You never lie, don’t you?’

Remus raised an eyebrow to Sirius question and his gaze wavered. ‘I think I do, sometimes. But I try not to.’

‘Lily here was warning me not to corrupt you as you are what she called pure,’ Sirius smirked and quickly glanced at Lily whom he knew was about as red as her hair now.

The other boy laughed openly and, as he smiled at her, he gently put a hand on Lily’s shoulder.

‘Did you say that Lily?’

Sirius couldn’t help himself. He turned his pale face towards the girl, wanting to hear what she would say.

‘I did,’ she said honestly.

Remus did not seem as surprised about her shameless honesty as Sirius was. In fact, he seemed content and joyful.

‘Thank you, Lily. You are a very great friend,’ he finally said. ‘But I will be alright. Surely, Sirius is a nice gentleman or you would not be his friend?’

‘We are merely acquaintances,’ she replied coldly.

‘Why are you so cold with me, Lily? Weren’t you praising my qualities a minute ago?’

‘Shove it,’ she grunted.

Remus frowned slightly but, after thinking about something, he looked back at Sirius.

‘Do you need help taking care of your luggage?’

Sirius smiled. ‘Why, thank you! Aren’t you such a nice bloke?’

He meant it as a sarcastic compliment but he saw Remus smile kindly. Weirdly enough, Sirius could also see something in Remus honey big eyes that told him that Remus knew how to play Sirius’ game and it was so _so_ exciting to him. It was so inexplicably distracting also. He wanted to read those eyes like a book and finally shove it in Remus’ face that he knew his real nature and that he would corrupt him as he pleased.

‘I didn’t quite understand, Sirius.’ Remus said gently. ‘Shall I help you with them?’

Sirius swallowed slowly and shrugged monotonously. ‘I would appreciate that, Remy. As you know, my two _idiotic_ friends have abandoned me and I find myself in quite a gloomy _disposition_.’

Lily rolled her eyes.

‘I am sorry to hear about that,’ Remus said honestly as he entered the room, followed by Sirius and Lily. ‘I think those are your suitcases, are they?’

In the light of the room, Sirius could finally see the other boy clearly. He was different from what he had thought. Bloody different. Unlike James who was tall and attractive and unlike Peter who was so little and, one would say, undesirable, Remus had a unique look. Sirius did not know why he had to dissect everything about this boy but he did in the span of ten seconds. Truly, it was an art that he had mastered; the art of taking someone’s appearance in and understanding their whole personality out of it.

Remus was tall, but not as tall as him. Next to each other, where there were no stairs elevating him, Sirius realized that he _was_ taller by a couple of inches. In the light, he decided that Remus’ hair was brown with red locks here and there and he realized also that his face was extremely pale. Sirius knew he was himself as white as a sheet, but Remus’ skin did not remind him of his own cold paleness but rather, something warm and alive. Although the other boy had a scar on his left cheek, a small one, a delicate one, it was his lips that caught Sirius’ attention. They were shaped like a heart. Was it common, he asked himself, to have such interesting lips? He had never thought of anyone’s lips before but there he was, here and there, confronted by the fact that Remus’ lips seemed rather pouty and rosy. There was something more. Remus’ clothes were old and worn-out. Although he was wearing a simple brown suit, the quality of it was shocking and pitiful. Not to mention his brown shoes that had dark spot where the leather had become old and used.

He had wanted to get something out of this rapid inspection, but all he saw was a humble and innocent teen. Though he knew his inspections never failed him, he couldn’t shake the sensation he had felt earlier when he had stared at Remus’ eyes. His intuition had never failed him either. What a contradiction.

‘Sirius, mate!’ James said as he ran down the stairs.

Obviously, his excitement was not due to Sirius’ presence, but Sirius decided not to mention it in front of Lily. He stayed quiet, not because he suddenly was nice and caring, like Lily had said earlier, but because he was still staring at Remus. Remus, on the other hand, was trying to lift two of his four suitcases at the same time, but he quickly gave up and took only one, sharing a guilty smile with Sirius as he saw that the other boy was looking at him. Sirius, unable to stop himself, grinned slowly at the other teen.

‘Did you decide on what you were going to do about your room business?’ Peter was next to James, eating a cookie out of a jar. His mother was a great cook and James and Sirius used to steal his cookies all the times and put it on anyone they could come up with. It had become quite a running gag between the two of them, to find the most ridiculous person to put the blame on while continuing to secretly eat their friend’s pastry.

Lily glanced at Peter. ‘What is there to do?’

For some reasons, Sirius wanted to change the subject of the conversation.

‘Let’s put my luggage in my room first. Oh,’ he said, remembering Remus. ‘This is Remus; Remus, those are my pals Jamey and Pete.’

Remus put down the valise he had in his hands and shook their hands. ‘I’m surprised you finally said my name right, Sirius.’ He said smiling at Sirius.

Sirius grinned again, feeling weirdly excited about something he couldn’t figure out.

‘Greetings Remus,’ Peter started. ‘Are you new to our school?’

Sirius cringed and Lily grunted again, not for the first time in their company. But Remus did not seem a bit insulted.

‘I am not,’ he said calmly. ‘Excuse us, Lily and I had to meet with other students and the time has passed by a lot quicker than I had realized.’

‘Oh, please. Don’t let us inconvenience you,’ James said politely.

‘You can forget the suitcase,’ Sirius whispered to him. ‘My friends will take care of them.’

Peter punched Sirius twice on his shoulder at that, surely as a revenge for earlier this morning. ‘Your friends will take care of them?’

‘You lazy bum,’ James laughed.

Remus smiled at them again and said his goodbyes after telling Sirius where to find their room. Followed by Lily, they both left the common room, talking about their summer vacations and what they had done, the places they had visited and the books they had read.

‘Is it me or she has blossomed in a much prettier woman over the summer?’ James started. ‘And have you seen the way she looked at _me_ during the entire two minutes and five seconds of this conversation?’

In the back of his head, Sirius could hear James talking about Lily as Peter laughed and humoured him, but all he could think about was Remus malicious honey eyes, the thin scar on his left cheek and his pouty and rosy heart shaped lips.

*

December 12, 1985

_‘’Oh, my love. How impulsive was I? How more clueless could I have been? To think that you had been there, all along, but it was due to this juvenile turn of events that I had finally laid eyes on you. This memory, vivid and teasing, do you realize how much I cherish it? I remember everything from it with a bitter taste. From your young and beautiful face, to these feelings and this attraction that I couldn’t quite comprehend at the time: I remember your eyes and your lips. Like honey. Remus, how I miss you deeply. Oh, my love!’’_

 


	3. Why do you all have to be so cruel?

December 12, 1985

_‘’Now that I think about it, I was such an immature boy who thought he knew it all. I remember how much I pleaded Dumbledore and how much I cursed him silently when I realized that he would not change his mind. He seemed so convinced that this was a good idea, that it was for the best and that I ought to be separated from my friends for a while._

_For some reasons, I remember thinking that if it were not for Dumbledore,  
I would never get my old room back because I could not hurt you, would not hurt you. Yet, I had to do it. And so, that thought quickly changed for something like a new resolution to find anything wrong about you, to discover your secret because you had to have one. Oh, those eyes, I remembered those honey eyes and I knew you had something hidden deep down that I could use if only a little. How much I would change and how much I would learn to love and respect others, especially you, Remus. Still, at that moment, I was such an immature boy!’’_

August 22, 1937

It was close to six in the evening when Sirius went back to his room. After what seemed like hours pleading Dumbledore, he had finally accepted the fact that the man, although kind and loving, would not budge on the matter. For some reasons he could not understand, Dumbledore had seem convinced that this was a _good_ thing for him. Sirius had even seen in the old man’s eyes something similar to excitement. It was truly cruel!

When he entered his room, he was reminded of how much smaller it was compared to his old room. Although warm and luminous, the room made him shiver. There were two beds— each one on the opposite side of an old window, a wooden table, a wooden chair and a door linking to a private bathroom. Other than that, the room was quite empty. Yet, there were things here and there that interested him, Remus’ things if he were to be precised. For example, on the table, there was a record player with a record on it. Sirius didn’t know who the singer was, but it seemed like jazz.  Remus did seem like a boy who liked that kind of sophisticated and boring music.

He probably should not have done that, but he sat down on Remus’ bed and looked at the books that were scattered on it. There were books on philosophy, music, religion and art but no book on fiction. Sirius grimaced again. How much more boring could one person be? Still, one book attracted his attention. It did not seem like a book actually, more like a journal. The cover was red and the paper yellow, surely old and worn-out. With excitement, Sirius took the book and opened it. Immediately, his eyes opened up slightly and a smile forced its way on his face. It was not a book nor was it a journal; it was a _sketchbook_ , filled with drawings of landscapes and objects. Sirius couldn’t believe. Remus, an artist?

He looked at every pages of the sketchbook with great attention. Remus probably lived in the countryside, because there were tones of animals drawn: cows, pigs and chickens. He didn’t seem to like to draw people because there were none. There were other objects from everyday life here and there: shoes, chairs, pencils and whatnot. Sirius couldn’t help but to smile.

As he was approaching the last pages of the sketchbook, he noticed that there were a couple of pages that had been ripped off. At last, he put the sketchbook back where he had found it and snickered loudly. He was beginning to think that Remus truly was a goody two shoes.

Suddenly, he heard a noise behind him and turned around to find Remus looking at him, standing right next to the wooden door.

‘Jesus!’ Sirius screamed. ‘What are you doing? You bloody scared me!’

Remus calmly raised one eyebrow. ‘Did you like my drawings?’

Sirius knew he was caught red handed and admittedly, he knew he should have felt embarrassed, but he didn’t. He turned around on the bed, lay down completely and looked at the ceiling. There was no point in denying anything and he was kind of tired anyway.

‘You were right when you said that this room is not the best room,’ he whispered. ‘And it’s so far from the other rooms too.’

He heard Remus walk in the room and felt him sit on the bed.

‘I’m surprised you didn’t ask Dumbledore to change rooms.’

Sirius laughed quietly at that. ‘I tried, Remy.’

‘Oh.’

Sirius sat on the bed and looked at Remus attentively.  He was staring at him too, seated on the bed at its corner and taking so little room that it made Sirius smile. It was his bed, wasn’t it? Yet, Sirius took the entire place and Remus did not seem to mind at all. As he was staring at the other boy, his pale face and his heart-shaped lips, Sirius pondered if there truly was something hidden behind that façade.

With a lazy grin on his face, Sirius spoke:

‘For some unknown reasons, Dumble seems to think that this is a good thing for me.’

Slowly, Remus smiled. ‘Do you call him that in front of him?’

 ‘Of course I do,’ said Sirius. ‘It’s my nickname for him.’

‘Oh?’ asked Remus. ‘I’m guessing he has one for you too?’

‘If _brat_ is considered a nickname, than sure. Though he hasn’t called me that for a while now.’

Remus silently looked at Sirius with a timid smile and Sirius couldn’t look away. He thought to himself, _how could one boy look so genuine, so openly kind?_ Sirius looked at the window and started undoing his tie _._

‘Maybe I should blackmail him, what do you think?’ Sirius asked the other teen, pondering out loud.

‘I think you would be crazy to try.’

‘Really? I think it would be brilliant.’

‘Besides, I doubt that Dumbledore has anything you could work with.’

Sirius scratched his left cheek absently. ‘Everybody has something to hide.’

He had meant it as a joke, but it had sounded too heavy even to him. After a quick exchanged look between the both of them, Remus stood up from the bed and started undressing. He was slow in his movements, like an old man or like someone who had been exercising, but Sirius knew he was probably just always this tired. It took him some time but he finally exchanged his suit for his pajamas, which consisted of a white shirt and dark blue pants. When he was entirely done arranging his clothes in the closet, he sat on the bed again and stared at Sirius.

‘So, what’s the plan then?’

Sirius raised one curious eyebrow.

‘What…plan?’

Remus tilted his head on the side and gave him a look.

‘Ah, the plan I will use to get my old room back? That plan?’

Remus only nodded. Sirius considered the situation. Should he tell him? He _did_ want information on Remus, the kind of information that no one would know, considering his private nature. Maybe being upfront about it could be a good approach. Sirius decided to play it safe.

‘No plan, as of now. But my brain is working on and on and I reckon I should have a solid plan by tomorrow.’

Remus didn’t seem convinced at all. ‘I have heard greats things about you bunch. I know you have something, Sirius. You can tell me.’

‘What great things? Precisely?’

Remus rolled his eyes and looked at their door; they could hear noise from the common room even though their room was so far away. Apparently, the students were having a party because Sirius couldn’t see any other reasons why they were making so much noise. Still, he wanted to hear Remus compliment his friends and him, so he nudged Remus’ leg with his foot, bringing his gaze back to him.

‘Figured this would be the part you would pay attention to.’

‘Aw,’ Sirius said. ‘Everybody likes a good compliment! Fine,’ he sighed, ‘I will tell you my plan then, if it interests you so much.’

‘It does.’

For the second time that night, Sirius saw in Remus an honest curiosity.

‘It has to do with you, actually.’ Sirius started.

‘Me?’ Remus grimaced, clearly surprised by the admission.

‘I was thinking of something amongst those lines: You can’t live with me, you are a sweetheart who never complains, you go to Dumbledore, you tell him that I’m _insufferable_ , I have to move out for your own good!’

Remus stared at him stoically for a while and then, surprising Sirius, busted out laughing. He laughed to the point where he had to lie down on the bed for a while. Soon enough, he was seated again.

‘This is it, then?’ he asked. ‘This is the infamous Sirius in action?’

‘What? You don’t like my plan?’

Remus shrugged ‘It is not what I expected.’

‘Will you help me, Remy?’

Remus smiled. ‘I doubt it would work.’

‘And why not?’ Sirius asked.

‘Well, because I don’t lie.’

‘You do,’ Sirius corrected him. ‘I reckon you said that you try not to. But it’s not impossible for you to lie, is it?’

Remus smiled again and nodded. ‘I suppose I did say that. Right, I can lie, but I don’t see why I would for you.’

Sirius stood up eagerly. Now was the time to put in oeuvre his talents of orator because Sirius had always been excellent at convincing people. He hadn’t thought about asking Remus directly to talk to Dumbledore, but he could always try.

‘Firstly,’ he said and could see an amused expression on Remus’ face,’ I think it would be best for you, as you would be able to enjoy the room more.’

‘Really?’ Remus asked.

‘You don’t know my friends but they are horrible. You see, Jamey has this one sided thing going on for Lily—’

‘Right.’

‘Do you want to hear him talk about her on and on? Days after days?’

Remus nodded. ‘I see your point.’

‘No, you don’t! This is exactly it, you cannot imagine it. It is _insupportable._ I assure you, torture really!’

‘Torture?’

‘Absolutely! It is quite sad and after a while, his voice resembles an annoying sound that never leaves your head.’

‘Is that all, then?’ Remus pressed.

‘Well, no…There is also…Peter.’

Remus looked curious. ‘What about him?’

‘He is worse than Jamey when it comes to girls and has come up with quite a lot of tricks to attract them, giving he has to overcompensate for his looks with other talents.’

‘You are horrible,’ Remus said as his amusement slowly dissolved into shocked.

Sirius rolled his eyes. ‘Common Remy, you have seen him. Now, the boy _writes_ poetry, Remy. Poetry!’

‘And what is wrong with poetry?’

‘Nothing, but does he have to force us to read everything that he writes? Do you want to listen to his letters every time you come to your room?’

‘And why wouldn’t you go to their room?’ Remus asked, impatience slowly tinting his voice.

‘Well, because I am the _leader_. Obviously.’

‘Obviously,’ Remus repeated. ‘Can I ask you one question?’

Sirius sighed. ‘Of course.’

‘If you despise James so much for his love for Lily and if Peter’s tricks annoy you so much, why do you want to go back to your old room? Wouldn’t it be better for you to be in another room, then?’

Sirius stared at Remus silently.

‘Don’t you think that there is a reason why Dumbledore doesn’t want you to go back?’

Sirius grunted impatiently. ‘What’s your point? That I don’t like my friends?’

‘No,’ Remus said calmly. ‘I am sure that you love James and Peter. Surely, this was an act to convince me to lie to Dumbledore, but I cannot help but wonder what _else_ could you do to gain what you want, if you can so easily talk like that about your closest friends.’

For some reasons, Sirius felt irritated at that last comment. How dare could he say that? The most important thing for Sirius was his friends! But Sirius _was_ Sirius and of course he would do anything to gain what he wanted. What about it? Did it make him less than Remus? Surely it did not.

Sirius wanted to throw himself at Remus and force him into apologising to him but then he remembered that this was not James nor was this Peter. With Remus, he felt that he needed to use words. With him, he felt that his tricks and his jokes would never work like they did with his friends.

‘I don’t know you Sirius, but I do know Dumbledore,’ Remus said, ‘Really well. I know that there is a reason _why_ he does not want you back with them.’

‘Oh, please. Quite the lesson you are giving, Remy.’ Sirius snorted. ‘Are you enjoying yourself?’

‘Well, no. And this is not a lesson; at least I don’t think it is as I don’t _know_ enough to give you one. Why does he want you with me and why don’t you want to share this room with me? Those are questions for you, I think. For me, as far as I am concerned, I don’t mind your presence at all.’

When he was done talking, Remus stood up and approached the door where the sound from downstairs had become even more distracting.

‘What do you reckon they are doing?’ Remus asked Sirius.

‘Bloody hell if I know.’

Remus opened the door and as he did so, they could see tons of boys running downstairs and screaming in unison from afar.

‘What in the—’

Sirius quickly joined Remus next to the opened door and after exchanging a look with each other, they followed the crowd to the common room.

‘What is happening?’ Remus asked a boy next to them, all sound of impatience gone in his voice.

‘There’s a fight, I think,’ answered a small boy, as he jumped in the air twice. ‘But I can’t see! Too small!’ He had round black glasses and rosy cheeks.

‘Really?’ Sirius approached Remus and looked over his shoulder so he could speak with the boy.

‘Yep, but my doctor says that I would grow some more inches this year.’

‘Not that, idiot,’ Sirius started but was cut off by Remus’ hand on his torso.

‘What do you know about this fight?’ Remus asked the younger boy.

The boy arranged his glasses on his face and spoke louder as the screams around them became louder too. ‘Well, not much’ he said embarrassed. ‘I just know that it’s between two lads.’

Sirius rolled his eyes and pushed the boy so he could take his place.

‘Hey!’ The boy said.

‘Bloody hell,’ Sirius laughed at the scene he was witnessing. ‘A fight between Snape and Vadik! Snape, you stupid twat, you are way too weak!’

Remus pushed both of them and made his way through the crowd.

‘What are you doing?’ Sirius screamed but followed him.

Suddenly, Remus turned to face him abruptly. Sirius couldn’t recognize him. With his eyebrows frowned like that and his lips pressed in a thin line, he looked entirely different from the calm and composed Remus Sirius knew. No, this Remus looked angry and on the verge of doing something reckless like joining the fight. Sirius grinned at his expression.

‘Are you going to join them?’ he screamed at Remus.

‘Can you shut up?’ Remus snapped at him. ‘Why do you all have to be so cruel?’

Sirius’ grin disappeared as he stared at the other boy.

‘Why do you all have to treat him that way?’ Remus added, but he was no longer looking at Sirius. He was looking at the crowd of teenagers, all screaming and laughing at a skinny Snape on the floor and a laughing Vadik seated on the other boy, preparing himself to give the next blow.

‘Who gives a crap?’ Sirius said after a while. ‘It’s not like Snape doesn’t deserve it.’

‘Does he?’ Remus glared at him.

Sirius knew that he should have stayed silent or said something good. He could see that Remus was waiting for him to say something, _do_ something. The right thing, perhaps, but Sirius didn’t care.

‘Oh, let him lose this bloody fight! I bet the idiot was the one who started it!’

Instantly, he saw Remus move towards the side of the room, pushing the others until he was next to the light switch. One moment the room was lighted, the next they were partly in the dark. The room went silent and there was a movement of panic between the boys. Sirius had thought a moment ago that Remus would have joined the fight, but this made much more sense.

‘It’s Argus Filch!’ One boy screamed and the boys started to run all over the room.

All around him, boys were pushing Sirius trying to gain access to their room before having to face the consequences of this fight. After what had happened last year, they did not want to witness the consequences of a fight again.

‘He’s going to kick our butt!’ On boy screamed.

‘Move, move!’

‘Bloody hell!’

When a tall boy with light blond hair turned on the light again some minutes later, Remus was nowhere to be found and the room was almost empty.

‘He’s not here,’ he said quietly and then ‘You all shut it! There are no adults here!’

The rest of the boys who were still there looked at each other, the panic slowly leaving their eyes.

‘Sirius!’

Sirius noticed his friends approaching him with smiles on their faces.

‘Bloody hell,’ said James. ‘This was crazy!’

‘Completely crazy!’ repeated Peter.

Sirius searched all over the room but could not see Snape. He could only see Vadik talking with three other tall boys, his cheeks red from the fight but an enormous smile on his face.

‘You’re looking for Snape?’ James asked, his round glasses slowly slipping on his nose. ‘We saw him leave when the light went off.’

‘Coward,’ Peter snorted and Sirius had to force himself to not point out his hypocrisy as Peter had never denied being a coward himself.

‘What happened?’ Sirius finally asked.  ‘Why did they fight?’

James looked at him confusedly. ‘Where were you? Or did you suddenly turn deaf? Snape has been screaming insults about Kaldine for ten minutes. Calling her _slut_ , talking about her _mother_. It was truly embarrassing for him.’

Peter nodded. ‘This lad is something else . Who does that to a girl? Especially when she is so beautiful…’

‘Hehe,’ James grinned. ‘She’s taken, you know?’

‘I know that!’

James nodded comprehensively. ‘Maybe you want to fight Vadik too?’ 

Peter grunted impatiently. ‘Can’t a man appreciate a female’s beauty?’

‘A _man_?’ asked James. ‘Who is this man you are talking about? Would that be you?’

‘You _know_ it’s me. Arse.’

James laughed loudly at his angry friend, but after rolling his eyes, so did Peter.

Peter sighed. ‘I still can’t believe it. It’s crazy that Vadik beat him up like that. He’s a nice bloke normally.’

James arranged his glasses on his nose again and stared at his smaller friend. ‘Well, Snape did ask for it. He insulted his girlfriend for ten minutes!’

Peter shrugged. ‘I still think it’s crazy. Not that I’m complaining. It’s always fun seeing Snape getting what he deserves…’

 Just like a father talking to his son, James put one hand on his friend’s shoulder. ‘Love makes you blind, Pete. I think I would do the same thing for Lily.’

‘What _wouldn’t_ you do for her, anyway?’ Peter asked, a bit of mockery in his voice.

‘I would do anything!’

 They laughed again but, this time, James slowly stopped as he looked at Sirius’ serious expression. Sirius hadn’t been listening to his friends at all. In fact, he had been thinking about Remus during the entire conversation.

 ‘You ok Sirius?’

Sirius glanced at his friends and saw them looking at him closely. He swallowed and nodded slowly. ‘Let’s go to our—your room, before someone comes.’

James continued staring at Sirius but followed him. When they were back to their old room, Sirius excused himself suddenly and ran toward his own room…

*

When Sirius was back to his room, he was not surprised to find it empty. There was no Remus in the horizon. Just like he had done an hour ago, he went straight to Remus’ bed and searched his things. He did not know what he was looking for, but he _knew_ there had to be something. Something that explained why he was so intrigued by the other boy. Remus, evidently, was more than what he let show. Sirius knew it. And so, he searched his books, his suitcase and their closet. Finally, when he sat down on Remus’ bed again, tired and a little ashamed of himself, he saw _something_ at his feet, something that was not there a minute ago.

He had to stop himself to not voice his surprised out loud. Still, he could not control his cheeks as he felt them warming up at the sight of what was on the ground. Slowly, he took the yellow and worn-out piece of paper at his feet and examined the drawings on in.

Drawn in a deep dark black ink, there were tons of drawings of naked male bodies on the old paper. Not only were the bodies naked, but there was something in the way they were drawn, the postures they had and the intensity of the lines that made Sirius think of a _lover_. It was one body, drawn over and over, in different positions and without any face. Seated in some drawings, but lay down in most, the body was always naked with well defined muscles. Remus had… drawn this? Really? He couldn’t have done that? Surely…

Immediately, Sirius knelt down on the ground and felt the base of Remus’ bed with his hand, where he was seated a moment ago. It didn’t take him long to find three other pages similar to the one he had been staring at a moment ago.

One of them shocked him more than the others. On this particular page, there were no bodies but there were faces. One, precisely. Sirius did not know who the person was, but it was a man. He seemed much older than they were, likely in his mid-thirty. He had short dark hair, small glasses and a long nose in the middle of a long face. He looked …mature and _intelligent._

Sirius glanced at the other page: it showed more bodies, just like the first one. This time, he could see that the lines were more confident, as if Remus had taken his time, as if he had had more time to draw them. And finally, the _last_ page. On this page, drawn delicately and so beautifully, there was only one drawing: a complete body from head to toe, lying down on a bed with a face drawn very clearly. It had dark short hair, a long nose, a long face and a delicate smile on his lips. It was _him_.

Brusquely, Sirius put the drawings where he had found them and stood up on his feet. _What was that?_ His heart was beating fast and his body was incredibly cold. _He was not meant to see that._ He didn’t know how he had done it, but, when he finally regained control of himself, he was back in James’ and Peter’s room, a deep frown drawn on his pale face.

*

‘Do you reckon we should slap him?’

‘Well, it could help, couldn’t it?’

‘Surely, it would. He hasn’t been answering us for a while now and Jamey, drastic times call—‘

‘For drastic measures.’

Peter nodded and stepped back from the bed where Sirius was seated, moving towards the large window.

 ‘What are you doing moving away?’

‘Well, I’m letting you the honour, of course.’

James shook his head, and walked towards his silent friend.

‘Peter, Peter. You will never change.’

‘Less talking Jamey. Common, go at it.’

As James moved his hand up, Sirius violently lay down on the bed and grunted loudly. He had been thinking and thinking but now, he was finally himself again and felt angry at his confusion. He slowly sat down again and looked at his two friends whom were staring at him oddly.

‘What are you doing with your hand up in the air, Jamey?’ Sirius asked curiously.

James immediately dropped his hand as his expression became serious and penetrating. He looked at his friend closely before talking:

‘Are you going to tell us what is up with you, Sirius?’

Sirius nodded. ‘Do you guys…. _know_ Remus?’

Peter made a confused sound. ‘We just met him today. How could we know the bloke?’

‘I know that, idiot,’ Sirius said. ‘I’m asking if any of you had already _seen_ him before? In our classroom? During  the lunch break?’

James looked positively confused. ‘What does this have to do with anything?’

‘Just answer the bloody question, will ya?’ Sirius said.

James sighed and sat down next to his friend. ‘No, but I haven’t exactly been paying attention to him.’

‘Me neither,’ said Peter.

‘Like, at all.’ James added.

‘I thought he was a new student,’ said Peter.

Sirius nodded at that. ‘But thing is, we aren’t that many here. Around three hundred, yeah?’

‘I suppose,’ said James.

‘Yet, I’ve never seen the bloody bloke in one of our bloody class. But Lily is _friend_ with him and he says he’s not new here and I _remember_ him. I know he’s not new here.’

Peter scratched his head, clearly confused. ‘Just say it clearly mate. I can’t follow you when you’re like this…’

Sirius rolled his eyes but did as he was told: ‘I think Remus _may_ not be following our classes? I think he has different classes and teachers?’

James stayed silent and then: ‘What about it?’

‘Well, don’t you think it’s weird that he has a _different_ education than us, has been living in a room alone, room that is at the far end of the building with a bathroom of its own and to add to that, he says he knows Dumbledore _very well_?’

James frowned slowly. ‘It is odd.’

‘He has a private bathroom?’ Peter asked.

Sirius nodded.

‘You mean, _you_ have a private bathroom now? No bloody way!’

Sirius grunted again. ‘Who cares about that bathroom! Bloody hell, Peter. Think!’

‘Sirius, mate. I still don’t get it,’ James added.

‘Look,’ Sirius started. ‘The thing is, I told myself I would find something on him—‘

‘To blackmail him?’ James promptly asked, almost furious.

‘What, no!’ Sirius said. ‘Although, I should have thought about that…Oh Jamey, you’re getting wiser and wiser with each passing day but no. I would write a letter to my father questioning his motives, describing Remus to him and surely, he would have asked Dumbledore to take me back here, with you lads.’

Peter laughed. ‘This is stupidly brilliant…’

James’ expression did not change. ‘I don’t like this, Sirius—’

‘But!’ Sirius cut him. ‘The moment I saw him, I felt something weird.’

James’ expression changed for a confused one. ‘Something weird?’

Sirius nodded and swallowed. ‘Like he was hiding something, you know?’

‘Well, you were always suspicious,’ Peter said.

‘But it’s not that!’ Sirius snapped. ‘No, I…I can’t really explain it but I couldn’t think clearly, I couldn’t even look away…It was exciting and confusing but ultimately, I understood.’

James was staring at him oddly but he stayed quite. It was Peter who spoke again.

‘What…What did you understand?’

‘He is different, or he is hiding something, or I don’t know…There is a secret here.’

James nodded. ‘And then?’

‘Well, then…you know me…Peter knows me…I know myself…’

‘So you searched his bloody things?’ James asked, angriness rising again in his voice.

Sirius smiled lazily. ‘And I found…’

At that moment, Sirius stopped himself. He did not know why but he felt like he had a choice to make and he made it quickly, choosing to keep this part of the story to himself.

‘…Nothing,’ he finally said.

‘Downer,’ Peter said. ‘I thought there would be something good.’

‘There is Pete, there is. What _did_ confuse me,’ Sirius finally said. ‘Is that he was the one who turned off the light to help Snape.’

James eyes widened at that and Peter let out a quiet scream.

‘Are you sure?’ James asked. ‘ _Nobody_ helps Snape.’

Sirius snickered. ‘Yet, he did it….Makes you wonder why?’

Peter slowly walked towards them. ‘Come to think of it, when the coward ran away, he was not alone, was he James?’

James nodded. ‘It’s true, we saw him with two other lads.’

Sirius quickly stood up. ‘Did you see Remus?’

‘Well,’ James said, ‘it was dark. No, I didn’t see their faces. Pete?’

‘One was taller than Snape, the other one really smaller. But no, I didn’t see any faces, just his body running away.’

Sirius thought out loud. ‘Once the light was on again, Remus was no longer in the common room. And when I ran to our room, he wasn’t there either…’

James scratched his cheek. ‘This _is_ weird. What do you reckon?’

Sirius shrugged. ‘I think Remus is linked with them, somehow. But I won’t ask Snake anything.’

James smiled at the immature nickname. They used to call him like that when they were younger.

‘We ought to find who the other one was and then, surely, everything will make sense.’ James said.

‘And then, surely, you will have enough to write about him for your letter and your father will ask Dumbledore to put you back here.’ Peter added excitedly.

Sirius nodded absently. For a moment, he had completely forgotten his plan. He only wanted to put the pieces together. To truly understand Remus. Why was this boy such an outcast? Why did he care for Snape, a boy who insulted and mocked everyone and whose only interest in life seemed to be humiliating other people? But most importantly, who was this person Remus kept drawing?

 

December 12, 1985

_Ah! The good days where my friends and I found mysteries in everything and anything! We longed for adventures! We loved them! Ah! How naïve was I to believe that this would have gone how I had planned it to go? But you know this one so well, Remus. Does it make you laugh now as much as it enraged you back then?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens.. .kidding!


End file.
